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Solomons wife fattens him up for summer

Solomons wife fattens him up for summer

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MEMORIAL DAY is the unofficial start of summer, and, despite my best efforts, I am not prepared for my hot weather debut.

I blame my wife.

She spent much of the winter and spring baking bread, and forcing me to eat it by allowing the aroma to waft through our house. Perhaps if it were just the bread, I could handle it. But LaVeta played dirty, and she played for keeps.

She used a stand mixer to whip heavy cream into homemade butter. Then she sat the butter in front of me, along with the warm, crusty bread. Thinking back on it now, I know what she was doing. She was fattening me up so that the young hotties wouldn’t look at me this summer.

She couldn’t have a buff 40-something guy leaving the house every day for work. Not in the summertime. Not when there are so many young women desperately seeking a man with a job and health insurance. No, sir. LaVeta wasn’t about to let some vixen half my age lust over my six-pack, so my wife did the only thing she could do to protect our marriage and family.

She turned my six-pack into a keg.

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Photo: Delicious roasted chicken by Marjan Lazarevski. Click here to see the original photo. (Marjan Lazarevski./Flickr Creative Commons).

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Solomon Jones is an Essence bestselling author and award-winning columnist. He is the creator and editor of and morning host on 900 am WURD radio. Click here to learn more about Solomon