IT’S VALENTINE’S DAY, and my life is in a shambles, because I can’t afford flowers.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I must have a few bucks tucked away for a last minute Valentine’s Day gift. But the money in my change jar won’t cover the gazillion bucks it would cost to buy a dozen long-stemmed roses today.

Never mind that those same flowers cost 20 bucks any other time. It’s Valentine’s Day, and the flower hustlers know that men must purchase roses or face a year in relationship purgatory.

Granted, LaVeta said that I didn’t have to buy her any flowers this time around. But if I know anything about marriage, I know this: When your wife absolves you of flower responsibility on Valentine’s Day, you must immediately get on the phone and call an exorcist, because a demon has taken over her body.

Bottom line? Wives want flowers, gentlemen, and they want them delivered so at least one other woman can see them and become envious.